It may be love. It sure feels like love or what you imagine love should feel like. There is an undeniable rush of oxytocin filling your being with warm fuzzy urges; high on that heady hormonal cocktail, deluded by our culture’s fairy tales about happily ever after and besotted by the beauty and charm of our beloved, we can find ourselves in all types of trouble. Chemistry is a potent point of no return for too many.
Volatile and vicious, the complex intricacies of our psyches, our bodies and the bodacious mystery of the beloved CAN and will conspire against us. Of course, you want to be carried away by the glorious gooey grandeur of your crush and who can blame you? It’s better than any drug! You’re wandering about in state of silly bliss, bedazzled, bewitched by who you suspect is “the one.” There’s all these sensations as you become preoccupied by the overwhelming allure of your potential “soul mate.” You’re not interested in anything but being close to this amazing person. And that’s fine as long as you remember this too shall and heed these five crucial insights, which will serve you and the relationship well.
1Biology is a treacherous prankster.
What feels like love on a intergalactic scale is generally some potent chemicals conspiring to create another tiny version of you and that stranger you’re so madly in love with. Naturally, you’re not considering the aftermath of a few passionate moments, much less the painful possibility this could all plummet into the depths of despair in a nano second if he or she rejects you. Beyond this, there is little concern for unplanned pregnancy, incompatibility or a million other catastrophes that can confound your crush with cruel reality. It’s fine to enjoy the high and have fun, but one must have some stoic part of themselves stashed away and watchful as all this goes on because fairy tales are trite and far from true; no one lives happily ever after. This is not to say this person who has captivated your heart isn’t the real deal. You two may just end up on a honeymoon followed by a mortgages and 2 kids who need braces. But that’s not likely to happen if you’re too eager. Eager becomes desperate in a nanosecond, and desperate is the most repugnant cologne anyone will ever wear. So keep yourself in check. Too available is too easy and too easy is just too dull to bother with.
2We all like the chase. We say we hate it.
We say we don’t want to play games. We fall hard for someone and we want to say, I surrender. We don’t want to make the one we love wonder or worry about what we feel. We want them to know we love them madly. What’s more we long to know they feel the same about us. It’s an odd quirk of human nature. We don’t appreciate anything unless we’ve earned it. When someone gives us something we tend to care about it less than when we’ve moved heaven and earth to het our hands in it. By being generous with yourself and making too many sacrifices , you’re actually bringing down your value. People pleasers mean well, but for some reason their efforts are usually counterintuitive. Maybe you’re trying so hard we mistake you for less than you are. Maybe we suspect there are strings attached, and we ask ourselves: Why should we settle for you? We want the prize. We deserve better. Never give yourself away. When you do, there is a good chance you’re compromising who you are in the process and that’s a turn off. .
3When we find ourselves compromising in this way
it’s often due to some disordered aspect of our thoughts and /or feelings. If you don’t do the things you did before you fell madly in love, then you’ve latched on to the person you’re so smitten with in ways that will probably make him or her,lose respect for you . You’re not as interesting when you give up your interests, your friends your life to be with them. The beloved may even feel a little creeped out because chances are you’re clingy, needy or just too damned available . I’ve heard A person falls in love with you during your absences . Being with someone 24 /7 is the best way to kill love . It’s when he or she misses you that someone falls in love.
4Of course, some of us never really fall in love.
Personality disorders, a charming and often.sexy lot will maneuver us into the position of all too available as they isolate and manipulate us with diabolical intent. The Malignant narcissist that lurks in the bottom of every psychopath, sociopath and other Cluster B PD relies on a cycle that begins with love bombing. The disordered will mirror every hope and dream you have, make you senseless with sex and once you’re hooked they’ll start devaluing you. This is detrimental in ways physical abuse isn’t because it undermines you , makes you doubt yourself and sets you up for a long ordeal with this emotionally abusive parasite.
It should be noted that many relationships that begin as wonderful whirlwind romances are indeed too good to be true. Suddenly the perfect soul mate becomes a little less worthy every day no matter how hard he or she tries to please the love of their life. Nothing they do is good enough and the poor fool ends up blaming themselves for a situation the narcissist has always orchestrated. You will be discarded with casual coldness and cavalier indifference. To make matters worse, the narcissist will come back and the cycle will play out as many times as you let it.
5Some of us are in love with love
which means we are not feeling love at all. We are high on those hormones and fantasies. Fears of intimacy, immature expectations and cultural mythology has made love all about the oxytocin, hot sex and opulent wedding. The truth is relationships may begin with all these things but they’re not meant to end there. Yet this is as far as many couple plan ahead so many do end there it’s not unusual for couples to divorce before they’ve paid off the credit card bills for the ceremony, reception, and honeymoon. We’ve become so obsessed with the rituals, we have no idea what it means to be mates. There is no need to rush into any of this by the way. In fact, it’s very sad how many of us feel we must pair off so we settle and end up miserable which was the state we thought we were dodging.
Relationships are complex and it’s not unlikely we will have several of them that are important in our lives because they’re all about discovering who we are. Relationships are opportunities, but not all of them are meant to go the distance. Marriage may be a spiritual union but if you’ve ever sat in divorce court, you know many end with man and wife at each other’s throats because lust turns to loathing . Lust doesn’t last nearly as long either. Sometimes we are pulled to people for reasons that are self defeating , dysfunctional, and self-destructive . He may remind you of daddy whose love you never won. She may be the image of everything you’ve ever wanted , the woman you get to show off and pamper but underneath that pretty wrapping she’s a frigid shrew who is spending your money faster than you can earn it. What we don’t get about love is that it’s often ordinary.
It’s not tragic or dramatic. It’s not perfect or trouble free, but there’s a common dream you share. It’s modest and mundane, which is why it’s magical. It is here and now in the moment, which is all we really have, which actually quite a lot when we realize what Buddha said is true: The source of all suffering is desire.